I don't know why I am doing this.It might be social suicide.I randomly found some old photos and came across this. I have more horrifying pictures of myself but I didnt want to go too far.
But I would like tostep away from my past- the UGLY past. I dont want to scare all of you away I guess, haha.
This is a photo of me and my mother on my 16th Birthday...2005.
I had practically no self confidence and it stayed that way for more than 2 years and at some point in 2006, I tried to commit suicide. Failed of course, I was too whimpy to actually cut my wrist.
But looking back, I think I understand why I wanted to kill myself. I had no idea about words like "make-up", "fashion" or trends. I did not know how to dress, how to style my hair, or how to present myself, nor did I have the money to. Worst of all, my English was so poor I couldnt communicate properly. My friends at that time all seemed to look decent, with the wealth to buy products to dress themselves up. When I was around them, I tend to always be playing the "support actress" role. They would be the ones getting the attention, whilst I stand aside.
This is me now. 22 years of age, 2011.
I guess I'd like people to not recognise the "old" me...My confidence level remains low. I don't love myself. In fact, those who know me knows just how much I hate my body, and...probably everything else. But at least I look like human now, compared to 5 years ago.
I don't think it is my looks that changed the most. It is my heart, and my way of thinking. Maybe it's because I learnt how competitive this world is. Maybe its because as you grow, you come to realise that the world is nothing but fake-ness, judgement and appearance. They say, "Don't judge the book by its cover." Shut up mate. Everybody is doing it. As I grew, I learnt more about how to decorate yourself, learning how important packaging is in this world. I learnt how fragile a relationship can be, not just love, but also friends and family. To survive in this society. Nobody cares about your inner-self, how you present yourself means everything....Nobody likes to hear the truth, they like to hear what they want. It's up to you to decide whether you want to remain innocent and wait for that one true person to appear, or get on with your life accepting these cruel facts.
I am finally grown enough to realise this truth. Sometimes I wish I didnt realise all of this and I could remain naive, but looking from a positive aspect, I am trying to persuade myself that I will see excitement in life as well as the bad.
This little girl, was me.
She is gone, and will stay as a memory.
Rachel Li, it's about time that you get out of your naive big head and experience the evil.